Episode 34 - Chocolate Milk

Hey all you ice babies and fire babies! We're back with a new episode covering the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Theon III

Arya VIII

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

This week, Melissa and Liza take a fan's suggestion and try to improve the timbre of their voices with dairy products. You can decide for yourself if this is effective, or necessary. 

In Theon's chapter we learn the extent to which his affection-less childhood has made him an unbearable douche bag. Poor Theon is 50% Greyjoy, 50% Stark, and 100% lost. He starts to put his plan of capturing Winterfell into motion, with the help of jolly old Dagmer Cleftjaw. 

In Arya's chapter, Jaqen takes a sexy bath, Weese continues to be a slap happy dick, and Tywin's forces depart from Harrenhal. Arya is starting to regret the low-level status of the people she's choosing to have murdered, but that doesn't stop her from showing Weese a little bit of Ghost of Harren style justice.

We get real silly in this episode, and we hope you have as much fun listening as we had recording it!

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 33 - Giants are Magical as Fuck

Ahoy ye scurvy dogs! This episode has nothing whatsoever to do with pirates, I just really wanted to say that. This week we're discussing the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Jon IV

Bran V

Tyrion VIII

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Jon's chapter, he and the Night's Watch crew have finally reached the Fist of the First Men, where they are protected by a spooky, magical ringfort! Ghost leads Jon to an even spookier cache of Dragonglass weapons in the forest, which appears to have been planted by Benjon (Daario? Euron?) himself! We get into some Bloodraven, Ice Dragon, and Horn of Joramun tinfoil, and it is delicious. 

Bran continues to have the worst childhood ever, no thanks to Jojen's warnings that he and everyone he knows will soon die a terrible, skinless death. We empathize with Jojen, but think he could stand to be a wee bit more tactful.

Meanwhile, Tyrion and Cersei share some eerily touching sibling moments as she resists the plot to marry Joffrey to Margery. Littlefinger is sent off to propose the alliance to the Tyrells, because he is so super trustworthy.

We had a lot of fun recording this episode, and Melissa is really sorry for a burping into the mic. Yes, we left it in.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 32 - Deep, Dark, Magic Shit

This week's episode is filled to the brim with violence, sadness, murder, gods, and shadow monsters! We cover the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

Sansa III

Catelyn IV

SPOILERS AHEAD:

This week in Sansa's ongoing fucking nightmare, Joffrey finds out about Robb's recent victories and uses that as an excuse to get medieval on her. Like, literally. Tyrion comes to the rescue a few minutes too late, though he does manage to save her from further indignity. The Hound is about to reach his breaking point with this shit, and Sansa finally decides that the concept of Knighthood is bullshit.

Catelyn IV is our FAVORITE Catelyn chapter! It's rich with beautiful, disturbing imagery, symbolism, tons of emotion, and crazy fucking shadow monsters! Okay, ONE shadow monster. It's a beautifully written glimpse into Cat's mind as the proverbial shit is slamming into the proverbial fan, and we love it. RIP Renly. RIP Brienne's hopes and dreams. 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 31 - Peaches en Regalia

Today's episode is brought to you by ghosts, incest, faceless men, and peaches! We cover the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Tyrion VII

Arya VII

Catelyn III

SPOILERS AHEAD:

Tyrion is on a roll in King's Landing. He's manipulated poor, stupid Lancel into spying on Cersei for him, he's making preparations for the upcoming invasion, and just generally being really good at "the game." Except for the part where he's unhealthily obsessed with a teenage prostitute. That continues to be a little sketchy, and we speculate (with some sprinklings of tin foil) as to what Shae's motives and true feelings might be.

Poor Arya is not as empowered or self actualized at this point, though she's making moves. Jaqen H'hagar gives her the opportunity to start knocking some names off of her list, and she's dealing with being a Lannister prisoner/ slave about as well as one could be expected to.

In Catelyn's chapter, she tries to mediate a negotiation between Stannis and Renly, but there's no need for a referee in this pissing contest. Renly offers Stannis a peach, and Stannis offers Renly, well, literally nothing. Catelyn despairs, thinking she knows how this will end, but that vision does not yet include shadow babies. 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 30 - Kate

Pull a titty out and have your pronunciation guide handy, because we're delving into another two chapters from A Clash of Kings this week:

 

Daenerys II

Bran IV

SPOILERS AHEAD:

First of all, we're sorry for the bit of a delay between episodes, we've both been doing a lot of travelling this summer! Once we return to the familiar icy grip of winter (or at least fall) the schedule should be a lot more consistent.

This week, Daenerys is trying to make sense of their situation in Qarth, and can't decide who, if anyone, to trust.  Pyat Pree, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, and Quaithe all make their own appeals to her, and she finally learns of Robert Baratheon's death. Melissa and Liza are inspired by the fashion trends of Qarth, though only one would be willing to replicate them. Dany finds that she's conflicted about her immersion in Dothraki culture now that she's being exposed to, like, a single other culture. We also spend some time discussing the Doom of Valyria, and its implications.

Bran is also coming to terms with his situation, and by that we mean that he is thrusting himself deep into denial. Jojen and Meera want him to accept and embrace his warginess, but Bran is reluctant, despite the vivid wolf dreams and very apparent psychic connection to Summer. He just needs to learn to open his third eye, brah. It's too bad there's no DMT in Westeros. 

Overall it's a really fun, if slightly shorter episode, and we hope you enjoy it! As always, we will spoil to our little hearts' content, and talk about all manner of disgusting and inappropriate things.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 29 - Breech Breaching

Get ready for even more siblings doing things you'd rather they didn't! It's a new episode covering three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Theon II

Tyrion VI

Arya VI

SPOILERS AHEAD:

Theon's chapter is a cringe inducing, incest laden, cock grabbingly good time! Join us as we slog through an entire chapter of sibling fuckery more raw than anything you'll find on Porn Hub. Honestly I feel dirty even typing that sentence. Asha almost redeems herself for all the cock grabbing, but it's going to take a few chapters for us to fully get over it.

Tyrion roofies Cersei with some laxatives and has a grand old time running shit in King's Landing in her brief absence. Alliser Thorne tries to convince him to send troops and supplies to The Wall to fight the undead, but his only proof - a rotten hand, is a few shades TOO rotten to be of any worth. There's also a fun confrontation with Pycelle as Shagga rejoices in stripping him of most of his beard, and even more of his dignity. 

Arya's chapter is decidedly less fun as she travels from something akin to a concentration camp to something just a few small steps up from that. Some of the horrors that she witnesses inspire her to create the death list mantra that we all know and love. So at least there's that? 

Plenty of other topics arise as we discuss these chapters, including some speculation about Dany's eventual invasion of Westeros. 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 28 - No ice babies, please.

We're back, babies! This week we're covering the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Bran III

Catelyn II

Jon III

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Bran's chapter, there's a great harvest feast at Winterfell, but Bran doesn't enjoy himself much, until the Crannogmen show up. They swear their fealty, and Bran already likes them a lot more than the stupid Walders. Later, he dream wargs into Summer and finds that Jojen and Meera are waiting for him.

Meanwhile, Catelyn arrives at Renly's camp where a bunch of millennial types are jousting in a tourney instead of planning for actual war. Brienne of Tarth, literally the best character ever, arrives on the scene to shame Loras and take her rightful place in the (not so subtly named) Rainbow guard.

Finally, Jon and the men of the Night's Watch arrive at Craster's keep and are find themselves inadequately prepared to deal with the baby killing, daughter fucking, axe wielding hot mess that is the Craster clan. Sam tries to save a young,  pregnant wildling girl from her nightmarish life, but his plan is half baked at best.

 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 27 - Sour Wine and Sadness

Join the Clegane brothers, a drunken fool, some sketchy alchemists, and Hot Pie for a new episode! We cover the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Sansa II

Arya V

Tyrion V

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Sansa's chapter, Ser Dontos offers to be the Florian to her Jonquil by shipping her out of King's Landing. It would be more romantic if he wasn't mere moments away from vomiting all over himself. The Hound escorts her back to her room afterwards, but not before projecting a lot of weird, sad shit onto her. It's a strange night for Sansa.

In the Riverlands, Arya and her little crew are starving to death. Weasel is eating mud. To make matters worse, they're captured by The Mountain and his men while trying to steal food from a small fishing village. Once again, the smell of dead bodies permeates an Arya chapter

Tyrion finds himself inspecting the massive cache of Wildfire that the alchemists have been preparing. He hopes to keep the Lannister army from burning themselves to death when it comes time to use it. Ser Cleos Frey arrives with Robb's peace terms, thus giving Cersei a new meaningful piece of paper to rip up and/or burn.

We hope you enjoy this episode, and all of the ramblings and rants contained therein.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 26 - Lavender Giggles

I hope you like Tyrion, because we're back with a Tyrion-heavy new episode that covers the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings!

 

Tyrion III

Bran II

Tyrion IV

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Tyrion's first chapter, Cersei and the other small council members are reacting to Stannis' incest declaration letter. Some rude comments are made about Shireen Baratheon's ears, and Cersei finds new and interesting ways to pretend that the accusations are baseless. Tyrion then goes to great lengths, some might even say insane lengths, to get laid.

In Bran's chapter, the Manderlys and other guests are arriving for the harvest feast. Many attempt to make marriage offers for poor widowed Lady Hornwood, and we all know how well that turns out. Bran struggles with more Raven-centric dreams, and sticks up for Hodor when he's teased by the shitty little Frey boys, and we speculate (sans knowledge from this weeks' episode of Game of Thrones) about how Hodor came to be Hodor'd. Given what we all learned on Sunday of this week, it should be fun for you to mock our poor predictions.

In Tyrion's second chapter, he sets up an elaborate scheme to find out who's tattling to Cersei all the time. The chapter culminates in a meeting with Littlefinger. From Tyrion's perspective, we are given ample evidence to suggest that Littlefinger is a powerful, dangerous man that should not be underestimated. Finally Tyrion convinces the smiths of King's Landing to start work on his massive anti-Baratheon chain, and reassures those concerned that Cersei will not have their poor little hands smashed if they stop working on armoring her personal guards for five minutes.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 25 - Free the Nipple

This week we discuss our feelings on Cinco de Mayo, bra burning, and the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Daenerys I

Jon II

Arya IV

SPOILERS AHEAD:

 

In Dany's first chapter, we learn that the Dothraki have their own name for the red comet, but Dany is convinced it's a herald of her coming. She leads her few remaining followers into the Red Waste, where many perish. Almost as soon as they find an abandoned city to recuperate in, they're met by a strange threesome from Qarth. Above all, Dany is resolved to protect her dragon. She also resolves not to have sex with Jorah, a decision that we wholeheartedly support.

Jon and the other members of the Night's Watch reach Whitetree, an abandoned village north of the Wall that's watched over by a massive Weirwood tree. Mormont wonders why Sam is teaching the ravens to speak, as if one Raven screaming CORN all the time wasn't enough, and Jon wonders if he'll ever see Arya or Benjen again.

Finally, In Arya's chapter, Yoren leads her group of Night's Watch recruits into yet another abandoned holdfast. Unfortunately, it was abandoned for a reason, as they soon learn to their burn-y sorrow. Arya and her buddies manage to escape before the Lannisters literally burn the place to the ground, and she goes out of her way to save Sexy Jesus (Jaqen H'ghar.)

As usual, many theories are discussed, some more reasonable than others, and we analyze how George chose to set up all of these early, background building chapters. At the end of the show, we spend a few minutes talking about the second episode of Game of Thrones.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.