Episode 44 - Lady Storyline

The hiatus is over! We're back with a brand new episode, and we've got a nice stack of them up our sleeves for the coming weeks. This week we're discussing the following chapter from A Clash of Kings:

 

# 55 - Catelyn VII

# 56 - Theon V

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

Catelyn's chapter is rough, with her having just learned of Bran and Rickon's (fake) deaths. We try to not to be too judgy as we evaluate her decision to free Jaime Lannister.

In Theon's chapter, Asha comes to rescue his dumb ass, but he very, very stupidly declines her offer. What follows is a prescient, psychedelic dream that tells of horrors both past and future. We have a fun time breaking it down, and while we fucking hate Theon, we can't help but feel a little badly about what shall soon befall him.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 43 - Benjen Dark

Happy Friday, babies! Our new episode covers the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

# 53 - Jon VII

# 54 - Tyrion XII

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

This week, as Jon and Qhorin and co. continue to travel toward the Wildling encampment, Jon has a spooky vision from the future, and an all too real wolf dream. He shares this with the group, and is told that he's a Skinchanger. His dreams have made it clear that they're in danger, especially poor Ghost, who's been beaten up by a Wildling eagle. New plans are hatched, and we speculate as to just how calculated Qhorin Halfhand was from the beginning.

In Tyrion's chapter, he can tell that something is amiss when Cersei not only invites him to join her for an elaborate dinner, but dresses up in her best power-trip outfit for the occasion. They argue over roast capon and various foods swimming in butter before Cersei reveals that she's captured and tortured Alayaya, having grossly misinterpreted Tyrion's relationship with her. Tyrion responds with understandable outrage, but unfortunately says some child-threatening things that he will live to regret.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 42 - The wonders of the prostate

Greetings, denizens of Internet! We welcome you to ye olde fucking podcast town. This week we're discussing the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings, and very lazily attempting to emulate medieval colloquialisms.

 

# 51 - Jon VI

# 52 - Sansa IV

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

When we left Jon, he and Qhorin Halfhand and the rest of their gang were making their way through the Skirling Pass. This week, Jon finally meets Ygritte, the Freme- err, I mean Wildling woman of both his dreams, and nightmares. We've always been team Ygritte, all the fucking way. She may not have the most progressive stance on wife stealing (see: she's cool with it) but she's a badass bitch who knows what the fuck she wants. Unlike Jon, who spends the rest of this series of novels in a non-stop existential panic. Relatable.

In Sansa's chapter, she finds herself, as usual, dismayed and disappointed by men. Dontos is fucking around, making her wait to leave King's Landing, and planting awkward kisses on her. The Hound is drunkenly burdening her with his crazy fucking brand of bullshit, and to top it all off, she gets her god damn period. So now she has the specter of some horrible future Joffrey spawn looming over her, to boot. This is a bad time to be a Sansa.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 41 - Mustard Face Joffrey

Hi! It's us! We're here with a brand new episode for your aural indulgence. Does that sound dirty enough for you, George? Join us as we discuss the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

# 49 - Tyrion XI

# 50 - Theon IV

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Tyrion's chapters, Stannis' first wave of troops are outside King's Landing, and Tyrion has to decide how best to deal with them. He feels some deep feels about the news that Winterfell was captured, regales us with the lore of Aerion Targaryen aka Aerion Brightflame, and makes sure that the city is well stocked on Wildfire. We start to see how the resurgence of magic in the world is affecting that process, and revisit our general disdain for Shae.

We find Theon facing a series of moral dilemmas and failing in spectacular fashion. Bran and Rickon have "gone missing," and Reek is all too eager to help track them down. Theon's ego is so fragile, his grasp on power so tenuous, and his top adviser is so evil it's almost like he's the president of the United States or something. Yet despite all of his shortcomings and child murderings, we can't say he truly deserves what is about to befall him.

Tune in for the rantings and ravings of our lunatic hosts, and stay for the brief but amusing interruptions from one of their husbands. If you want to know which, you'll just have to listen. That's how you do clickbait, right? I'm sure it'll work.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 40 - The House of the Undying

YES! It's time to enter the mother fucking House of the Undying! One of George's most ambitious and complex chapters, it's a web of visions, prophecies, scary warlocks, and wild speculation. The only chapter we're discussing in this episode is #48 from A Clash of Kings, AKA:

Daenerys IV

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In addition to discussing one of the most fun chapters from Clash, we also have a special guest this week! It's our friend Katrina! She's a longtime, dedicated fan of the A Song of Ice and Fire series, and in fact she's read this shit more than we have. We think you'll enjoy her input on this ridiculous fucking chapter. It's so good! Even if you haven't re-read the chapter recently, don't worry. We give you all of the information you could need. And some that you might not, such as our opinions on M. Night Shayamalan. 

To give a brief summary, Daenerys enter the House of the Undying Ones on the insistence of Pyat Pree. Xaro, Jorah, and the rest of her entourage try to discourage her, but Pyat warns her that if she walks away now, the crazy magical time travelling prophecy laden cosmic door will be forever closed. She manages to escape this very bad trip with the help of Drogon, but not before bearing witness to an onslaught of prescient visions and cryptic riddles. We do our best to break it down bit by bit, and consider all possible explanations. 

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 39 - Weasel Fucking Soup

Here we are, it's 2017, tomorrow is January 20th. You look like you could use an escape from our shitty reality for a little while. Yeah that's right, I can see you. And you look fabulous! You handsome devil. Don't you want to listen to us talk about the following chapter from A Clash of Kings?

Arya IX

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

The title sort of says it all, we've finally reached the infamous Weasel Soup chapter! Arya is pressured by Jaqen H'ghar to pick her third and final death. She tries to pull the ole switcharoo on him and tells him to kill his own damn self! This launches us into a debate about the nature of and rules pertaining to the Faceless Men, Jaqen's reasons for being in King's Landing in the first place, and Arya's trajectory as a character. The Weasel Soup plot is a fun caper, and it gives Arya a renewed sense of purpose. While she is distressed by the finality of choosing her last death, she's made hopeful by Jaqen's cryptic promises and his cool Valar Morghulis coin. 

We're recording a new episode TONIGHT which will cover Dany's House of the Undying chapter from Clash, so look out for that sometime next week! 

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 38 - Rickon Stark: Westerosi Serial Killer

Look, I'm not going to sugar coat the fact that these two chapters from A Clash of Kings are big bummers. But you signed up for this shit. So here we are. We've done our best to make it fun for you. Okay? Here, these are the chapters we're covering:

 

Catelyn VI

Bran VI

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Catelyn's chapter, we analyze her slavery to duty and the role that she plays in both macro and micro society. Cat has spent her whole life propping up powerful men, just to be shit on over and over and over again. We are beginning to see the origins of Lady Stoneheart, and it's even more depressing than we remembered. 

Bran's chapter is arguably even more heart wrenching as that dick Theon decides to take out his daddy issues on the whole of Winterfell. It's horrific, unjustified, and so unbelievably stupid. Rickon is losing his little mind, and we speculate as to how far that may eventually go. We're launching head long into the third act over the next few chapters, so naturally various shits are hitting all sorts of fans. But at least Bran has stopped rejecting the call. He's totally fucking answering that shit. And we get the uniquely cringe inducing experience of watching Theon seal his fate, hard, by inviting "Reek" into his service. Oh boy.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 37 - Penile Implications

Welcome to another beautiful day in Westworld, I mean... Neuromancer! Wait, no, I mean...reality! Welcome to another day in our beautiful, flawless world. This week we're discussing the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Jon V

Tyrion X

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Jon's chapter, Qhorin Halfhand and his men finally reach the Fist of the First Men, and they bring unsettling news about the Gathering of the Wildlings. It's like the Gathering of the Juggalos but with less meth, and more murder. Qhorin wants to take Jon with him on a suicide mission into Wildling territory, and Mormont reluctantly agrees. We talk about the Frostfangs, Benjen, and Jon's inability to predict assassinations. 

Tyrion is informed by Lancel that Cersei is shipping Tommen off to Rosby. Say that five times fast. Tyrion hopes to supplant her men with his own, but allow Tommen's escape as it's actually not a half bad idea. He goes on to visit Shae, scares off a singer, slaps her in the face, relives the Tysha incident, and generally has a bad time. Varys stops by, disguised as a smelly old pervert, and engages in some light plotting. We discuss Tyrion's Madonna/ Whore complex, which is mostly just a Whore complex at this point.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 36 - Shadow Milk

Hi everyone. The election was last night, so we here at Doublets and Dragons understand if you're not in the mood for jokes and merriment. But if you need a good distraction in order to preserve your mental well being, here you go. A new episode! Poorly timed perhaps, but here nonetheless for you to enjoy if you can bring yourself to enjoy anything right now. This week we're discussing these two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Tyrion IX

Davos II

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

 

In Tyrion's chapter, Myrcella is shipped off to Dorne, Tyrion learns how reviled he is by the common people, a riot is incited by a dead baby and a thrown turd, and Bronn gets real about Joffrey needing to die. In Davos' chapter, Ser Cortnay Penrose is having none of Stannis' heretical, child stealing nonsense and offers to resolve their conflict in single combat. Stannis declines, preferring to send Melisandre and Davos on a secret mission to unleash more shadow baby murder juju. We discuss Varys' shady backroom plotting, Melisandre's parentage, Stannis' sealing of his own fate, and burps.

I'm sorry that this description is not longer and more illustrious, but I'm in no shape to be funny or even coherent right now. Everyone, please take care of each other and spread love today.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

 

Episode 35 - A Little Bouncy Bounce

Good morning, shadow babies! Energize your mind and your body by listening to our new episode! This week we discuss the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Catelyn V

Daenerys III

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

From bummer to not nearly as much of a bummer, from sadness to merely angst, these two chapters stand in pretty Stark (heh) contrast to one another. Catelyn and Brienne finally make it to Riverrun where Edmure is doing his best to fit every man, woman, and child from the Riverlands into the castle. The Lannisters are approaching the Red Fork, Jaime nearly escaped, Hoster is slowly dying, and people think that Catelyn and Brienne are responsible for Renly's death. So as you can imagine, it's a barrel of laughs.

Dany's chapter is considerably more fun with prophecies from Quaithe, awkwardly uninspired innuendo from Xaro, fire ladders, Asshai theories, eccentric rich douche bags and Jorah one-liners. Listen for long enough and you'll also hear Melissa hating on a beloved TV show and explaining, in great detail, the circumstances in which she will burp with impunity.

As always (and like honestly does this even need to be stated?) this podcast is highly inappropriate for the kiddies. And yeah, I'm looking at you, random 10 year old that somehow stumbled on this website. Come back when the world has ruined you a little bit more.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.