Episode 44 - Lady Storyline

The hiatus is over! We're back with a brand new episode, and we've got a nice stack of them up our sleeves for the coming weeks. This week we're discussing the following chapter from A Clash of Kings:

 

# 55 - Catelyn VII

# 56 - Theon V

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

Catelyn's chapter is rough, with her having just learned of Bran and Rickon's (fake) deaths. We try to not to be too judgy as we evaluate her decision to free Jaime Lannister.

In Theon's chapter, Asha comes to rescue his dumb ass, but he very, very stupidly declines her offer. What follows is a prescient, psychedelic dream that tells of horrors both past and future. We have a fun time breaking it down, and while we fucking hate Theon, we can't help but feel a little badly about what shall soon befall him.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 43 - Benjen Dark

Happy Friday, babies! Our new episode covers the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

# 53 - Jon VII

# 54 - Tyrion XII

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

This week, as Jon and Qhorin and co. continue to travel toward the Wildling encampment, Jon has a spooky vision from the future, and an all too real wolf dream. He shares this with the group, and is told that he's a Skinchanger. His dreams have made it clear that they're in danger, especially poor Ghost, who's been beaten up by a Wildling eagle. New plans are hatched, and we speculate as to just how calculated Qhorin Halfhand was from the beginning.

In Tyrion's chapter, he can tell that something is amiss when Cersei not only invites him to join her for an elaborate dinner, but dresses up in her best power-trip outfit for the occasion. They argue over roast capon and various foods swimming in butter before Cersei reveals that she's captured and tortured Alayaya, having grossly misinterpreted Tyrion's relationship with her. Tyrion responds with understandable outrage, but unfortunately says some child-threatening things that he will live to regret.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 42 - The wonders of the prostate

Greetings, denizens of Internet! We welcome you to ye olde fucking podcast town. This week we're discussing the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings, and very lazily attempting to emulate medieval colloquialisms.

 

# 51 - Jon VI

# 52 - Sansa IV

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

When we left Jon, he and Qhorin Halfhand and the rest of their gang were making their way through the Skirling Pass. This week, Jon finally meets Ygritte, the Freme- err, I mean Wildling woman of both his dreams, and nightmares. We've always been team Ygritte, all the fucking way. She may not have the most progressive stance on wife stealing (see: she's cool with it) but she's a badass bitch who knows what the fuck she wants. Unlike Jon, who spends the rest of this series of novels in a non-stop existential panic. Relatable.

In Sansa's chapter, she finds herself, as usual, dismayed and disappointed by men. Dontos is fucking around, making her wait to leave King's Landing, and planting awkward kisses on her. The Hound is drunkenly burdening her with his crazy fucking brand of bullshit, and to top it all off, she gets her god damn period. So now she has the specter of some horrible future Joffrey spawn looming over her, to boot. This is a bad time to be a Sansa.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 41 - Mustard Face Joffrey

Hi! It's us! We're here with a brand new episode for your aural indulgence. Does that sound dirty enough for you, George? Join us as we discuss the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

# 49 - Tyrion XI

# 50 - Theon IV

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Tyrion's chapters, Stannis' first wave of troops are outside King's Landing, and Tyrion has to decide how best to deal with them. He feels some deep feels about the news that Winterfell was captured, regales us with the lore of Aerion Targaryen aka Aerion Brightflame, and makes sure that the city is well stocked on Wildfire. We start to see how the resurgence of magic in the world is affecting that process, and revisit our general disdain for Shae.

We find Theon facing a series of moral dilemmas and failing in spectacular fashion. Bran and Rickon have "gone missing," and Reek is all too eager to help track them down. Theon's ego is so fragile, his grasp on power so tenuous, and his top adviser is so evil it's almost like he's the president of the United States or something. Yet despite all of his shortcomings and child murderings, we can't say he truly deserves what is about to befall him.

Tune in for the rantings and ravings of our lunatic hosts, and stay for the brief but amusing interruptions from one of their husbands. If you want to know which, you'll just have to listen. That's how you do clickbait, right? I'm sure it'll work.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 40 - The House of the Undying

YES! It's time to enter the mother fucking House of the Undying! One of George's most ambitious and complex chapters, it's a web of visions, prophecies, scary warlocks, and wild speculation. The only chapter we're discussing in this episode is #48 from A Clash of Kings, AKA:

Daenerys IV

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In addition to discussing one of the most fun chapters from Clash, we also have a special guest this week! It's our friend Katrina! She's a longtime, dedicated fan of the A Song of Ice and Fire series, and in fact she's read this shit more than we have. We think you'll enjoy her input on this ridiculous fucking chapter. It's so good! Even if you haven't re-read the chapter recently, don't worry. We give you all of the information you could need. And some that you might not, such as our opinions on M. Night Shayamalan. 

To give a brief summary, Daenerys enter the House of the Undying Ones on the insistence of Pyat Pree. Xaro, Jorah, and the rest of her entourage try to discourage her, but Pyat warns her that if she walks away now, the crazy magical time travelling prophecy laden cosmic door will be forever closed. She manages to escape this very bad trip with the help of Drogon, but not before bearing witness to an onslaught of prescient visions and cryptic riddles. We do our best to break it down bit by bit, and consider all possible explanations. 

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 39 - Weasel Fucking Soup

Here we are, it's 2017, tomorrow is January 20th. You look like you could use an escape from our shitty reality for a little while. Yeah that's right, I can see you. And you look fabulous! You handsome devil. Don't you want to listen to us talk about the following chapter from A Clash of Kings?

Arya IX

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

The title sort of says it all, we've finally reached the infamous Weasel Soup chapter! Arya is pressured by Jaqen H'ghar to pick her third and final death. She tries to pull the ole switcharoo on him and tells him to kill his own damn self! This launches us into a debate about the nature of and rules pertaining to the Faceless Men, Jaqen's reasons for being in King's Landing in the first place, and Arya's trajectory as a character. The Weasel Soup plot is a fun caper, and it gives Arya a renewed sense of purpose. While she is distressed by the finality of choosing her last death, she's made hopeful by Jaqen's cryptic promises and his cool Valar Morghulis coin. 

We're recording a new episode TONIGHT which will cover Dany's House of the Undying chapter from Clash, so look out for that sometime next week! 

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 38 - Rickon Stark: Westerosi Serial Killer

Look, I'm not going to sugar coat the fact that these two chapters from A Clash of Kings are big bummers. But you signed up for this shit. So here we are. We've done our best to make it fun for you. Okay? Here, these are the chapters we're covering:

 

Catelyn VI

Bran VI

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Catelyn's chapter, we analyze her slavery to duty and the role that she plays in both macro and micro society. Cat has spent her whole life propping up powerful men, just to be shit on over and over and over again. We are beginning to see the origins of Lady Stoneheart, and it's even more depressing than we remembered. 

Bran's chapter is arguably even more heart wrenching as that dick Theon decides to take out his daddy issues on the whole of Winterfell. It's horrific, unjustified, and so unbelievably stupid. Rickon is losing his little mind, and we speculate as to how far that may eventually go. We're launching head long into the third act over the next few chapters, so naturally various shits are hitting all sorts of fans. But at least Bran has stopped rejecting the call. He's totally fucking answering that shit. And we get the uniquely cringe inducing experience of watching Theon seal his fate, hard, by inviting "Reek" into his service. Oh boy.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 37 - Penile Implications

Welcome to another beautiful day in Westworld, I mean... Neuromancer! Wait, no, I mean...reality! Welcome to another day in our beautiful, flawless world. This week we're discussing the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Jon V

Tyrion X

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Jon's chapter, Qhorin Halfhand and his men finally reach the Fist of the First Men, and they bring unsettling news about the Gathering of the Wildlings. It's like the Gathering of the Juggalos but with less meth, and more murder. Qhorin wants to take Jon with him on a suicide mission into Wildling territory, and Mormont reluctantly agrees. We talk about the Frostfangs, Benjen, and Jon's inability to predict assassinations. 

Tyrion is informed by Lancel that Cersei is shipping Tommen off to Rosby. Say that five times fast. Tyrion hopes to supplant her men with his own, but allow Tommen's escape as it's actually not a half bad idea. He goes on to visit Shae, scares off a singer, slaps her in the face, relives the Tysha incident, and generally has a bad time. Varys stops by, disguised as a smelly old pervert, and engages in some light plotting. We discuss Tyrion's Madonna/ Whore complex, which is mostly just a Whore complex at this point.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 36 - Shadow Milk

Hi everyone. The election was last night, so we here at Doublets and Dragons understand if you're not in the mood for jokes and merriment. But if you need a good distraction in order to preserve your mental well being, here you go. A new episode! Poorly timed perhaps, but here nonetheless for you to enjoy if you can bring yourself to enjoy anything right now. This week we're discussing these two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Tyrion IX

Davos II

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

 

In Tyrion's chapter, Myrcella is shipped off to Dorne, Tyrion learns how reviled he is by the common people, a riot is incited by a dead baby and a thrown turd, and Bronn gets real about Joffrey needing to die. In Davos' chapter, Ser Cortnay Penrose is having none of Stannis' heretical, child stealing nonsense and offers to resolve their conflict in single combat. Stannis declines, preferring to send Melisandre and Davos on a secret mission to unleash more shadow baby murder juju. We discuss Varys' shady backroom plotting, Melisandre's parentage, Stannis' sealing of his own fate, and burps.

I'm sorry that this description is not longer and more illustrious, but I'm in no shape to be funny or even coherent right now. Everyone, please take care of each other and spread love today.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

 

Episode 35 - A Little Bouncy Bounce

Good morning, shadow babies! Energize your mind and your body by listening to our new episode! This week we discuss the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Catelyn V

Daenerys III

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

From bummer to not nearly as much of a bummer, from sadness to merely angst, these two chapters stand in pretty Stark (heh) contrast to one another. Catelyn and Brienne finally make it to Riverrun where Edmure is doing his best to fit every man, woman, and child from the Riverlands into the castle. The Lannisters are approaching the Red Fork, Jaime nearly escaped, Hoster is slowly dying, and people think that Catelyn and Brienne are responsible for Renly's death. So as you can imagine, it's a barrel of laughs.

Dany's chapter is considerably more fun with prophecies from Quaithe, awkwardly uninspired innuendo from Xaro, fire ladders, Asshai theories, eccentric rich douche bags and Jorah one-liners. Listen for long enough and you'll also hear Melissa hating on a beloved TV show and explaining, in great detail, the circumstances in which she will burp with impunity.

As always (and like honestly does this even need to be stated?) this podcast is highly inappropriate for the kiddies. And yeah, I'm looking at you, random 10 year old that somehow stumbled on this website. Come back when the world has ruined you a little bit more.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 34 - Chocolate Milk

Hey all you ice babies and fire babies! We're back with a new episode covering the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Theon III

Arya VIII

 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

This week, Melissa and Liza take a fan's suggestion and try to improve the timbre of their voices with dairy products. You can decide for yourself if this is effective, or necessary. 

In Theon's chapter we learn the extent to which his affection-less childhood has made him an unbearable douche bag. Poor Theon is 50% Greyjoy, 50% Stark, and 100% lost. He starts to put his plan of capturing Winterfell into motion, with the help of jolly old Dagmer Cleftjaw. 

In Arya's chapter, Jaqen takes a sexy bath, Weese continues to be a slap happy dick, and Tywin's forces depart from Harrenhal. Arya is starting to regret the low-level status of the people she's choosing to have murdered, but that doesn't stop her from showing Weese a little bit of Ghost of Harren style justice.

We get real silly in this episode, and we hope you have as much fun listening as we had recording it!

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 33 - Giants are Magical as Fuck

Ahoy ye scurvy dogs! This episode has nothing whatsoever to do with pirates, I just really wanted to say that. This week we're discussing the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Jon IV

Bran V

Tyrion VIII

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Jon's chapter, he and the Night's Watch crew have finally reached the Fist of the First Men, where they are protected by a spooky, magical ringfort! Ghost leads Jon to an even spookier cache of Dragonglass weapons in the forest, which appears to have been planted by Benjon (Daario? Euron?) himself! We get into some Bloodraven, Ice Dragon, and Horn of Joramun tinfoil, and it is delicious. 

Bran continues to have the worst childhood ever, no thanks to Jojen's warnings that he and everyone he knows will soon die a terrible, skinless death. We empathize with Jojen, but think he could stand to be a wee bit more tactful.

Meanwhile, Tyrion and Cersei share some eerily touching sibling moments as she resists the plot to marry Joffrey to Margery. Littlefinger is sent off to propose the alliance to the Tyrells, because he is so super trustworthy.

We had a lot of fun recording this episode, and Melissa is really sorry for a burping into the mic. Yes, we left it in.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 32 - Deep, Dark, Magic Shit

This week's episode is filled to the brim with violence, sadness, murder, gods, and shadow monsters! We cover the following two chapters from A Clash of Kings:

Sansa III

Catelyn IV

SPOILERS AHEAD:

This week in Sansa's ongoing fucking nightmare, Joffrey finds out about Robb's recent victories and uses that as an excuse to get medieval on her. Like, literally. Tyrion comes to the rescue a few minutes too late, though he does manage to save her from further indignity. The Hound is about to reach his breaking point with this shit, and Sansa finally decides that the concept of Knighthood is bullshit.

Catelyn IV is our FAVORITE Catelyn chapter! It's rich with beautiful, disturbing imagery, symbolism, tons of emotion, and crazy fucking shadow monsters! Okay, ONE shadow monster. It's a beautifully written glimpse into Cat's mind as the proverbial shit is slamming into the proverbial fan, and we love it. RIP Renly. RIP Brienne's hopes and dreams. 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 31 - Peaches en Regalia

Today's episode is brought to you by ghosts, incest, faceless men, and peaches! We cover the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Tyrion VII

Arya VII

Catelyn III

SPOILERS AHEAD:

Tyrion is on a roll in King's Landing. He's manipulated poor, stupid Lancel into spying on Cersei for him, he's making preparations for the upcoming invasion, and just generally being really good at "the game." Except for the part where he's unhealthily obsessed with a teenage prostitute. That continues to be a little sketchy, and we speculate (with some sprinklings of tin foil) as to what Shae's motives and true feelings might be.

Poor Arya is not as empowered or self actualized at this point, though she's making moves. Jaqen H'hagar gives her the opportunity to start knocking some names off of her list, and she's dealing with being a Lannister prisoner/ slave about as well as one could be expected to.

In Catelyn's chapter, she tries to mediate a negotiation between Stannis and Renly, but there's no need for a referee in this pissing contest. Renly offers Stannis a peach, and Stannis offers Renly, well, literally nothing. Catelyn despairs, thinking she knows how this will end, but that vision does not yet include shadow babies. 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 30 - Kate

Pull a titty out and have your pronunciation guide handy, because we're delving into another two chapters from A Clash of Kings this week:

 

Daenerys II

Bran IV

SPOILERS AHEAD:

First of all, we're sorry for the bit of a delay between episodes, we've both been doing a lot of travelling this summer! Once we return to the familiar icy grip of winter (or at least fall) the schedule should be a lot more consistent.

This week, Daenerys is trying to make sense of their situation in Qarth, and can't decide who, if anyone, to trust.  Pyat Pree, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, and Quaithe all make their own appeals to her, and she finally learns of Robert Baratheon's death. Melissa and Liza are inspired by the fashion trends of Qarth, though only one would be willing to replicate them. Dany finds that she's conflicted about her immersion in Dothraki culture now that she's being exposed to, like, a single other culture. We also spend some time discussing the Doom of Valyria, and its implications.

Bran is also coming to terms with his situation, and by that we mean that he is thrusting himself deep into denial. Jojen and Meera want him to accept and embrace his warginess, but Bran is reluctant, despite the vivid wolf dreams and very apparent psychic connection to Summer. He just needs to learn to open his third eye, brah. It's too bad there's no DMT in Westeros. 

Overall it's a really fun, if slightly shorter episode, and we hope you enjoy it! As always, we will spoil to our little hearts' content, and talk about all manner of disgusting and inappropriate things.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 29 - Breech Breaching

Get ready for even more siblings doing things you'd rather they didn't! It's a new episode covering three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Theon II

Tyrion VI

Arya VI

SPOILERS AHEAD:

Theon's chapter is a cringe inducing, incest laden, cock grabbingly good time! Join us as we slog through an entire chapter of sibling fuckery more raw than anything you'll find on Porn Hub. Honestly I feel dirty even typing that sentence. Asha almost redeems herself for all the cock grabbing, but it's going to take a few chapters for us to fully get over it.

Tyrion roofies Cersei with some laxatives and has a grand old time running shit in King's Landing in her brief absence. Alliser Thorne tries to convince him to send troops and supplies to The Wall to fight the undead, but his only proof - a rotten hand, is a few shades TOO rotten to be of any worth. There's also a fun confrontation with Pycelle as Shagga rejoices in stripping him of most of his beard, and even more of his dignity. 

Arya's chapter is decidedly less fun as she travels from something akin to a concentration camp to something just a few small steps up from that. Some of the horrors that she witnesses inspire her to create the death list mantra that we all know and love. So at least there's that? 

Plenty of other topics arise as we discuss these chapters, including some speculation about Dany's eventual invasion of Westeros. 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 28 - No ice babies, please.

We're back, babies! This week we're covering the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Bran III

Catelyn II

Jon III

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Bran's chapter, there's a great harvest feast at Winterfell, but Bran doesn't enjoy himself much, until the Crannogmen show up. They swear their fealty, and Bran already likes them a lot more than the stupid Walders. Later, he dream wargs into Summer and finds that Jojen and Meera are waiting for him.

Meanwhile, Catelyn arrives at Renly's camp where a bunch of millennial types are jousting in a tourney instead of planning for actual war. Brienne of Tarth, literally the best character ever, arrives on the scene to shame Loras and take her rightful place in the (not so subtly named) Rainbow guard.

Finally, Jon and the men of the Night's Watch arrive at Craster's keep and are find themselves inadequately prepared to deal with the baby killing, daughter fucking, axe wielding hot mess that is the Craster clan. Sam tries to save a young,  pregnant wildling girl from her nightmarish life, but his plan is half baked at best.

 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 27 - Sour Wine and Sadness

Join the Clegane brothers, a drunken fool, some sketchy alchemists, and Hot Pie for a new episode! We cover the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Sansa II

Arya V

Tyrion V

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Sansa's chapter, Ser Dontos offers to be the Florian to her Jonquil by shipping her out of King's Landing. It would be more romantic if he wasn't mere moments away from vomiting all over himself. The Hound escorts her back to her room afterwards, but not before projecting a lot of weird, sad shit onto her. It's a strange night for Sansa.

In the Riverlands, Arya and her little crew are starving to death. Weasel is eating mud. To make matters worse, they're captured by The Mountain and his men while trying to steal food from a small fishing village. Once again, the smell of dead bodies permeates an Arya chapter

Tyrion finds himself inspecting the massive cache of Wildfire that the alchemists have been preparing. He hopes to keep the Lannister army from burning themselves to death when it comes time to use it. Ser Cleos Frey arrives with Robb's peace terms, thus giving Cersei a new meaningful piece of paper to rip up and/or burn.

We hope you enjoy this episode, and all of the ramblings and rants contained therein.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 26 - Lavender Giggles

I hope you like Tyrion, because we're back with a Tyrion-heavy new episode that covers the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings!

 

Tyrion III

Bran II

Tyrion IV

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Tyrion's first chapter, Cersei and the other small council members are reacting to Stannis' incest declaration letter. Some rude comments are made about Shireen Baratheon's ears, and Cersei finds new and interesting ways to pretend that the accusations are baseless. Tyrion then goes to great lengths, some might even say insane lengths, to get laid.

In Bran's chapter, the Manderlys and other guests are arriving for the harvest feast. Many attempt to make marriage offers for poor widowed Lady Hornwood, and we all know how well that turns out. Bran struggles with more Raven-centric dreams, and sticks up for Hodor when he's teased by the shitty little Frey boys, and we speculate (sans knowledge from this weeks' episode of Game of Thrones) about how Hodor came to be Hodor'd. Given what we all learned on Sunday of this week, it should be fun for you to mock our poor predictions.

In Tyrion's second chapter, he sets up an elaborate scheme to find out who's tattling to Cersei all the time. The chapter culminates in a meeting with Littlefinger. From Tyrion's perspective, we are given ample evidence to suggest that Littlefinger is a powerful, dangerous man that should not be underestimated. Finally Tyrion convinces the smiths of King's Landing to start work on his massive anti-Baratheon chain, and reassures those concerned that Cersei will not have their poor little hands smashed if they stop working on armoring her personal guards for five minutes.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 25 - Free the Nipple

This week we discuss our feelings on Cinco de Mayo, bra burning, and the following three chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Daenerys I

Jon II

Arya IV

SPOILERS AHEAD:

 

In Dany's first chapter, we learn that the Dothraki have their own name for the red comet, but Dany is convinced it's a herald of her coming. She leads her few remaining followers into the Red Waste, where many perish. Almost as soon as they find an abandoned city to recuperate in, they're met by a strange threesome from Qarth. Above all, Dany is resolved to protect her dragon. She also resolves not to have sex with Jorah, a decision that we wholeheartedly support.

Jon and the other members of the Night's Watch reach Whitetree, an abandoned village north of the Wall that's watched over by a massive Weirwood tree. Mormont wonders why Sam is teaching the ravens to speak, as if one Raven screaming CORN all the time wasn't enough, and Jon wonders if he'll ever see Arya or Benjen again.

Finally, In Arya's chapter, Yoren leads her group of Night's Watch recruits into yet another abandoned holdfast. Unfortunately, it was abandoned for a reason, as they soon learn to their burn-y sorrow. Arya and her buddies manage to escape before the Lannisters literally burn the place to the ground, and she goes out of her way to save Sexy Jesus (Jaqen H'ghar.)

As usual, many theories are discussed, some more reasonable than others, and we analyze how George chose to set up all of these early, background building chapters. At the end of the show, we spend a few minutes talking about the second episode of Game of Thrones.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.