Episode 23 - Doesn't she fuck bears?

This week we discuss the following chapters from A Clash of Kings, and wax poetic about flaming hot Cheetos.

 

Jon I

Catelyn I

Tyrion II

SPOILERS AHEAD:

In Jon's chapter, Sam has finally found his place at The Wall, and it's (obviously) in the library. But our poor parchment loving buddy still has to go a'ranging. Jon tries to help him and Lord Commander Mormont prepare. In the process there's a lot of Targaryen history discussed, and conspicuous chirping done by Mormont's raven. We also speculate about how the god damn wall magic works (we don't know,) and Jon avoids the Mole's Town whores like the plague. Which some of them might have... so, good call.

In Catelyn's chapter, Robb sends terms of peace to Cersei, while he and Cat have some fundamental disagreements on strategy. Brynden provides insight on some of Robb's poorer recent decisions, and Cat blames herself for everything. Lots of people are dead, Hoster is soon to be, and it's a very engaging bummer of a chapter. We like how all of the politics are broken down, and it probably wouldn't be as somber if we weren't already aware of these characters' fates. 

Finally in Tyrion's chapter, he treats Janos Slynt to a very generous last-meal of sorts, and there's no detail spared in describing that nasty frog man dribbling Dornish wine all over himself. Tyrion is, to say the very least, disturbed that Cersei is having babies and whores murdered, and sends Slynt off to the wall in magnificent fashion. We wonder if Bronn would actually follow similar orders if given them, and we wonder if the curse of Harrenhal has anything to do with it being made (in part) of Weirwood.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 22 - A lot of Slapping

This week we discuss the following chapters from A Clash of Kings:

 

Tyrion I

Bran I

Arya II

SPOILERS AHEAD:

First we join Tyrion in King's Landing as he tries to assert himself as the new Hand of the King. Cersei slaps her way to an arrangement with him, and he allows her to continue operating under the delusion that she's the queen. Some critical details about key plot points are revealed, Varys flops his metaphorical dick around, and Tyrion continues to develop feelings for a very sketchy 18 year old.

At Winterfell, both the direwolves and Bran are restless in their captivity. Bran has been having wolf dreams every night, and is relishing those brief moments of freedom, while freaking everyone out with incessant howling. Everyone, that is, except for Osha. She knows what's up.

Arya continues on her journey towards the wall, and her party stops at an inn. There she has her first legit introduction to Jaqen H'ghar, to the sheer delight of Liza. Unfortunately she also runs into some gold cloaks, and is then confused as to why they're after Gendry and not her. Stinky Yoren stands up to them like a badass, and Hot Pie is finally armed.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast app of choice.

Episode 21 - Patchface is a Juggalo

We're back with our FIRST episode from A CLASH OF KINGS! This week we cover the following three chapters:

Prologue

Arya I

Sansa I

SPOILERS AHEAD:

It feels good to be back in the donkey saddle again! This week we're finally introduced to the crew on Dragonstone, including Stannis the Mannis (though he is nowhere near peak Mannis,) Melisandre, Selyse, Maester Cressen, Davos, Shireen, and everyone's favorite creepy prophet - Patchface. We delve into the meaning of some of Patchfaces's favorite sayings, and offer our sympathy for poor old Maester Cressen. Everyone is a real dick to him in this prologue.

Meanwhile, Yoren has chopped off Arya's hair and managed to sneak her out of King's Landing with his horde of dirty, nasty Night's Watch recruits. She's struggling to adjust to life on the road with her new frenemies Hot Pie and Lommy, and her new found seething rage and anguish following Ned's execution. 

Sansa is also struggling as she's fully at the mercy of sociopathic child-monster Joffrey. It's all she can do to keep him from drowning randos in casks of wine on his name day. Tyrion arrives at King's Landing and tries to show some kindness and courtesy to Sansa, but she's now entrenched in what is sure to be a lifetime of trust issues.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast aggregator of choice.

 

 

Episode 20 - Erect, Somehow

It's time to wrap up A Game of Thrones with your two favorite people on earth... Us!

Highlights of this episode include:

  • Discussions of our favorite theories.
  • Discussions of our LEAST favorite theories.
  • Things we missed on our first read throughs, but noticed on this one.
  • Things we've changed our minds about since re-reading A Game of Thrones.
  • A healthy mixture of classy and dirty character haikus.
  • Liza's first EVER game of Fuck, Marry, Kill.

Like our previous episodes, this one is full of spoilers, swearing, and references to a variety of gentialia. Unlike previous episodes, this one is only an hour long.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast aggregator of choice.

And a big thank you to all of our listeners for making it through an entire book with us! Our next episode will cover the first three (maybe four) chapters from A Clash of Kings.

Episode 19 - Ice, Money, Fire, Titties

It's the last episode from A Game of Thrones! Time flies when you're suffering horribly as your friends and family are slaughtered all around you! This week we cover the following, final four chapters:

Tyrion IX

Jon IX

Catelyn XII

Daenerys X

SPOILERS AHEAD:

This week, Tywin finally treats Tyrion as if he's actually his son, but only once he's given up hope that Jaime will survive being a prisoner of the Starks. Tyrion is ordered to go to King's Landing, serve as the new hand of the king, and get that piece of shit Joffrey in line. Tywin forbids him from bringing Shae with him, so she's invited immediately. Tywin sends The Mountain and his men to burn their way through the Riverlands to get to Jaime.

Jon attempts to escape the Night's Watch and bring some of his trademark angst and teenage ennui to his brother Robb, but is thwarted by his vow-chanting brothers. Mormont lets him know that he expected nothing less from Jon, but hopes that he'll give up the emo bullshit in favor of saving the fucking world.

Catelyn, Robb, and his men reach Riverrun, and Cat has a grim reunion with her father Hoster, who's not long for this world. Despite his proximity to death, Hoster is concerned mainly with Brynden's total lack of a sex life. Having just learned of Ned's death, Catelyn is focused on keeping what remains of her family safe, but Robb's men seem to have other plans as they very Scottish-ly declare him DA KING IN DA NORF.

In the final chapter, Dany prepares Drogo's funeral pyre, and Jorah begs her not to burn to death. Dany is like, "LOL Jorah you think THAT'S my plan?" and whistles while she ties up Mirri Maz Duur and carefully arranges her dragon's eggs around Drogo's oiled up corpse. The remaining Dothraki are hesitant to swear their loyalty to her at first, but after she burns the Maegi, submits herself to the flames, and emerges the next day with THREE ACTUAL DRAGONS, their opinions have changed in her favor. 

This episode in particular is LADEN WITH SPOILERS, and is obviously not intended for the kiddies.

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast aggregator of choice.

Stay tuned for updates on the comprehensive, full book wrap-up episode that we're planning, and thanks for listening!

 

Episode 18 - The Boner Test

It's the second to last episode from A Game of Thrones! Time flies when you're pre-occupied with incest, beheading, beatings and lemon cakes. We cover the following three chapters this week:

Bran VII

Sansa VI

Daenerys IX

SPOILERS AHEAD:

This week, all three chapters find our characters having important dreams and revelations. Bran and Rickon try to convince Maester Luwin that their dreams are premonitions, and their suspicions are confirmed when they learn that Ned has been killed. Osha declares that ghosts can suck her dick, and Hodor can't face whatever lies in the Winterfell crypts.

At King's Landing, the veil is finally lifted from Sansa's eyes and she can see Joffrey for the abusive little shit that he is. This realization does little to improve her condition, particularly as Meryn Trant is punching her in the face. She's given an opportunity to push Joffrey off of a bridge while he forces her to look at her father's decapitated head, but sadly The Hound stops her.

In Essos, Dany dreams of becoming a dragon, and is drawn to her dragon's eggs more than ever before. She learns that her accidental monstrosity of a baby was born dead (RIP Rhaego), and that Drogo is no longer truly human. When he fails the final test, the boner test, she puts him down, and resolves to ensure that various people die screaming.

We also weigh in on the news that The Winds of Winter won't come out before season 6 of the show, and discuss the subtle sexuality of Kylo Ren.

As always, this podcast is not appropriate for children or people who hate swearing. 

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast aggregator of choice.

Enjoy!

Episode 17 - Puppy Stew

Looking for an excuse to ignore your family for an hour or two this week? Look no further! Episode 17 is here, and we cover the following three chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Catelyn X

Daenerys VIII

Arya V

This week, Catelyn waits while Robb, his wolf, and his army take down Jaime Lannister and bring him in as a hostage. Cat is well accustomed to waiting around while men brutally murder one another. Dany's sequence of bad decision making culminates in a blood magic ritual that the Dothraki are definitely not okay with, and she pays a very high price to try and save what's left of Drogo's life. Meanwhile, Arya is surviving on raw pigeons and stew of questionable origins. Yoren stops her from witnessing Ned's beheading (RIP bro,) though she recognizes him only by his stench. Overall, it's a pretty rough week for our fictional buddies.

Expect our normal (see: unreasonably extreme) level of profanity and spoilers from this episode!

You can download or listen to it here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast aggregator of choice.

Enjoy, and happy holidays mother fuckers!

Episode 16 - Wight Fightin'

It's that time again! After a two week long turkey and booze induced coma, episode 16 is here, and we cover the following three chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Jon VIII

Daenerys VII

Tyrion VIII

This week, Jon is given a bastard sword and doesn't even mind that it's referred to as such. Maester Aemon explains that love is the death of honor, and finally reveals himself to be a Targaryen. Which is probably not even remotely a secret, but Jon is a little out of the loop. Meanwhile, Dany becomes BFFs with a Maegi and the origin of her savior complex is cemented. Back in Westeros, Tyrion gets to axe the shit out of some people, but Tywin's efforts to have him "accidentally" killed during the battle are like an axe in his own heart. (You like that? You're welcome.)

As always, we swear more than is probably reasonable, and we spoil everything that can be spoiled.

You can download or listen to the episode here, on iTunes, or Stitcher, or your podcast aggregator of choice.

Episode 15 - We are all Sansa now

We did it, you guys! Episode 15 is here, and we cover the following four chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Tyrion VII

Sansa V

Eddard XV

Catelyn IX

This week, we're finally introduced to Tywin and his unique parenting style. Sansa begs Joffrey to show mercy on Ned, while Joffrey deals a low blow to our boy Barry. Ned and Varys have a very important, very pee and poo-tinged conversation as Ned languishes in a dungeon, and Cat makes a deal with infamous nasty old bridge troll Walder Frey so that Robb's army can cross at the Twins. Marriages are proposed, corpses are mocked, the purpose of having honor is questioned, and Melissa serenades us with some Tina Turner hits.

As always, the podcast is laden with spoilers and bad language. Or, good language, depending on your perspective. I like swearing. I like people who swear. Shit, boobs, dick, bitch, ass, damn. See? It's like that.

You can download or listen to the episode here, or on iTunesStitcher, or your podcast aggregator of choice.

Episode 14 - Hodor's Bran-Pack

Oh shit, look at that, it's a new episode! This week is rife with genitalia, poison, and Umbers . We cover the following three chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Bran VI

Daenerys VI

Catelyn VIII

This week, Bran and Rickon freak out to varying degrees about Robb's decision to lead his northern host against the Lannisters, while we learn a lot more about Hodor than we ever truly needed to know. Dany manages to avoid being poisoned, but still somehow thinks that she doesn't stand out in a Dothraki crowd. Catelyn finally reaches Robb, and doesn't force him to return to Winterfell for a time out and a nap.

As always, we spoil everything that we possibly can, and say things like "fuck" and "biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch" a lot. 

You can download or listen to the episode here, or on iTunesStitcher, or whatever it is that the kids are using these days.

And finally, here is one image that we discussed during the episode. I'm still working on the perfect Old Nan as Mulder/ Maester Luwin as Scully image. Stay tuned.

Episode 13 - That's So Raven

We're late, but we're here with a new episode! It's a bit of a shorty, but I promise it's a good one. We cover the following two chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Sansa IV

Jon VII

This week, Sansa imprisons herself, Cersei puts on her master manipulator hat, Sam proves that his weight is not correlated to a lack of intelligence, and Jon saves Lord Commander Mormont from the blind, murderous impulses of a feisty Wight. 

This week is not lacking in spoilers, or swearing. You can download or listen to the episode here, or on iTunesStitcher, or your podcast aggregating app of choice.

Little miss Liza has done a real shitty thing by leaving me behind while she's in Hawaii, so next week's episode will also be a tad late. In fact, there may not be another episode until November 9th. We'll update the schedule once we're sure. So, feel free to comment on what a horrible person Liza is for taking a family vacation without me, her trusted podcast partner. 

Thanks for listening!

Episode 12 - I've Made a Huge Mistake

Happy Monday! We're here with an episode covering another four chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Eddard XIII

Jon VI

Eddard XIV

Arya IV

This week, Ned's decision making is catching up with him in a big way, as is Robert's drunkenness. Boars are slaughtered, vows are sworn, promises are broken, and someone is stuck with the pointy end of a Needle. It's a dramatic set of chapters that include some pivotal moments for Ned, Jon, and Arya. 

As always, this podcast contains spoilers for ALL material in the ASOIAF universe, lots of swearing, and a fair amount of sexual innuendo. You can download or listen to the episode here, or on iTunes, Stitcher, or your podcast aggregating app of choice.

Enjoy!

Episode 11 - Fifty Shades of Tan

This week's episode has arrived, and with it comes a butt load of insanity. The following chapters are covered:

Eddard XI

Sansa III

Eddard XII

Daenerys V

This week we delve deeper into Sansa's fantasy version of reality, and see Dany going to town on a stallion's heart. Golden crowns are given, lemon cakes are almost eaten, and Cersei makes some very unwelcome advances.

As always, spoilers and swearing abound, and the faint rustling of kitties may occasionally be audible in the background. You can download or listen to the episode here, or on iTunes, Stitcher, or your podcast aggregating app of choice.

Enjoy!

Episode 10 - Benjen = Brynden

Okay, fine, Benjen may not = Brynden, but doesn't that have a nice ring to it? This week we've covered another four chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Eddard X

Catelyn VII

Jon V

Tyrion VI

This week we find Ned recovering from the battle that his leg lost vs. a horse, and dreaming of the events at the Tower of Joy. Catelyn thinks she may have made a huge mistake (she did,) Jon saves Sam's life, and Tyrion, after winning his trial by combat, horrifies Bronn with the story of how he lost his virginity. 

This podcast contains spoilers for ALL material in the series, a lot of swearing, and just a little bit of coughing (allergies, yo.)

Enjoy!

Episode 9 - Deception Inception

We're a wee bit late this week, but we're alive, all of our limbs are intact, and we've got an episode covering the following four chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Eddard IX

Daenerys IV

Bran V

Tyrion V

This podcast contains spoilers for ALL material in the series, a fair amount of explicit commentary, and lots of inaudible eye rolling and head shaking.

Ned's problems culminate in a horse crushing his legs, while Dany keeps trying to put that dick Viserys in his place. Bran manages to squeeze in a few moments of happiness while riding a horse in his new saddle, although it's short-lived, and Tyrion gets punched in the face a bunch of times. 

Enjoy!

Episode 8 - Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board

Well it's Monday, and that blows, but luckily we've got a new episode today! This week, we cover the following three chapters from A Game of Thrones:

Arya III

Eddard VIII

Catelyn VI

This podcast contains spoilers for ALL material in the series, lots of bad words, and minimal feline interruptions. Next week we will resume our planned schedule of four to five chapters per week, and someday, we will all die.

Enjoy!